sUprManRoXTuBesOx's Xanga

Thursday, October 12, 2006

Thu, 12 Oct 2006 18:05:39 GMT

ahhh!!! the internet here is so slow... i cant stream any videos... and so im pretty much bored to death.

but then again im in a practice room for hours a day, and im thinking of playing trombone in sympho which will add more hours to my practice schedule, on top of clarinet in windensemble... AHHH!! so since im 'such a great tuba player.....' with 'great potiential...' i have to learn a really hard solo in a few weeks and perform it in front of EVERYONE with accompianment on tuesday. yeah, and what are the other freshman tuba players doing? NOTHIN! they arent good enough to perform yet, and their solos are really easy.

so yeah, thanks to all you people who still talk to me. no one. im bored out of my mind, practice like crazy, and am isolated from everyone i love. college is amazing.

im just glad that my money is only going toward education, cause thats all im getting out of college. yeah, mr heaney, you lied when you said college would be the best years of my life. high school was amazing compared to this. i just wish i would have auditioned for a music scholarship, cause with my theory knowledge and my skills, i could have a full ride to this dump.

and yet its not bad enough to worry about transfer. where in the world would i go? i cant go to NYU cause then im interrupting franks life, and i realize now that i wasnt as big a part of it has i had hoped (or maybe that just BPD speaking... i can only hope... except for the fact that ive messaged him a few times, and imed once or twice lately, and dont get much response back. i know hes busy, but not THAT busy that he cant even jot a quick sentence. hes clever enough to come up with one sentence, or even sentence fragment, that would make me feel loved and that would only take him 30seconds to type) and i dont know of any other colleges that are good with music ed. sopposedly campbellsville is. the poepl just arent smart, and they arent quick, and im annoyed with having to wait around for people to catch up to me. they all underestimate me too. people are telling me that ill NEVER make it on clarinet in wind ensemble. YOU DONT KNOW ME! so shut up.

people here think they're smart. they think they're good. they think they''re talented. i listened to a flute recital today by a senior that would barely give amanda bocutti a run for her money. just barely above... hmmm... kelly irwin? yeah. and shes a senior!

AND THEYRE ALL FAT!

(sorry, just had to get that out)

at least the extra time here give me a chance to get my body in better shape. im down to 55.8 kg. which is a little higher than what i would like, but ive lost inches. and its all about the inches. cause ive gained a lot of muscle. im at a size 3/5 now which i absolutely love.

welcome to my life. im sure ive offended just about everyone who is reading this. but thats what you get for torturing me here. its your fault, so go away. please go swallow a knife.

Technology Project

Sat, 16 Sep 2006 12:39:04 GMT

www.piczo.com/marianmedia

Friday, September 15, 2006

Fri, 15 Sep 2006 03:35:04 GMT

i just did the stangest thing ever. for the past hour and a half ive been playing solitare. and i was doing REAL good.

so good that i couldnt exit out. cause i knew that if i closed that window, my high score of $1704 would be gone forever with no evidence that i was ever there. and who in their right mind would then the game when you're doing so well!

i couldnt close it. i just kept playing and playing. my score was going up and down, and i was winning and loosing.

and then all of a sudden i took my mind off of the game for one second, got frustrated with a hand and just Xed out. !!!! i couldnt believe it. i lose focus for one second and its all gone. all ive ever worked towards in the past 3 weeks. gone with one click of the mouse. i dont even know what the score was when i left. i think it was $14something though.

whoah boy. that was exciting. my heart is racing!! lol

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Wed, 13 Sep 2006 22:50:11 GMT

saw III looks really scary!

Saturday, September 02, 2006

Sat, 02 Sep 2006 23:20:24 GMT

ive got a secret!

Friday, September 01, 2006

Fri, 01 Sep 2006 15:13:10 GMT

well. to elaborate on the last few 2 sentence quesiton and answer entries, ill give an update on my life.

it sux.

no im kidding. its not that bad. but i havent really found a single person that i really want to hang out with all the time. i havent even found someone that i want to hang out with ever. and of course i havent found anyone that can play the piano the way i like it. im not sure ill ever find that again, which makes me very sad because i need the piano for comfort purposes, and if i can only find comfort in my previous piano experience, than im screwed.

you know how ive always said i wanted to talk to some kind of psychiatrist or therapist or somthing? yeah, well im doing it. and its helping. she gave me this analogy the other day: imagine a sailboat at the dock. it needs to go out to sea, but it cant get very far because the anchor is down. no matter how much it loves the dock, and being at the dock, it has to be able to set sail. just because it leaves the dock doesnt mean it can never return. it can go back as many times as it wants. but it has to take up the anchor to be able to sail.

basically, before i left home, my mindset was this is the end of my friendships here, ill make new friends and move on. well moving on is very very hard to do, and as it got closer to leaving, forgetting my friends became impossible. so my new mindset was these will be my friends forever and nothing has to change, just cause im 15 hours away. but now that im here, my mindset is, i dont have to make new friends, i have friends. i dont have to make a best friend here cause i already have one. well that mindset works during the busy day time, but on a rough day, or at night, when i just really need to talk to someone, someone who knows how to comfort me and how to make me feel better, and when i just need to know that everything is going to be ok, that someone is 15 hours away and im here alone.

so im in the process of learning how to build friendships.

but classes arent horrible. algebra only requires me to remember as much as i learned in 8th grade... not too much further into algebra 2. comp is really easy; im actaully making my paper more difficult than it has to be. music classes are music classes. it sux though, cause my theory teacher cant teach for the life of her and i already know it all (thank you cloak) so i have to teach everyone else. but i can do that.

im looking for an aerobics class. or yoga. or both.

i talk to frank everyday almost. yeah, everyday. it helps. i miss him so much. theres a slight chance he might come out here for thanksgiving. i really hope he does. if he drives, itll cost him less than $100 each way. (actually its about $60 with kentucky gas prices. can you believe $2.54!!) but i might have to fly home, if i could spend thanksgiving with him. im not flying home if i have to spend it with my family. ive never enjoyed thanksgiving with my family.

and frankly, i dont miss my family at all. they still annoy me from here, just not as much. ie. i got a package in the mail the other day. there are a few people who i would expect something from, and it would either be soft pretzels, starbucks chai mix, tastycakes, or maybe crayons or something. i was really excited about the package and it was kinda big. well guess whatwas in it. my bank statement, my sunglasses that mom broke on the ride up here and had to get fixed so she took them home, and a magazine. BIG WHOOP!

so, thats life at campbellsville. my room is a mess. there is no place for anything, and i really dont have that much stuff. oh well.

Monday, August 28, 2006

Mon, 28 Aug 2006 01:28:02 GMT

i have absolutely no idea what i am going to do.

life sux right about now.

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Wed, 23 Aug 2006 13:17:40 GMT

yay! im almost ready for my piano proficency exam! yay! im ahead of the game!

boo! campbellsville!

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Wed, 16 Aug 2006 02:54:52 GMT

well im here. and im getting brainwashed.

mr heaney.... i miss you!!!

Thursday, August 10, 2006

Thu, 10 Aug 2006 12:46:19 GMT

i did it and it was the hardest thing i have ever done in my life.

but its not all or nothing

thank you francesco, being the best friend in the world, and knowing exactly what i need to remember that everythings going to be alright.

edit:// its not the end! its not all or nothing!! i will keep my friendships alive and kicking. its just like i was going away to russia or something for a little bit of time. ill be back in three months, and everything will be great. its not the end! I can say that with confidence. (and with a little help from my friends... lol)